


You're All I Want (So Much It's Hurting)

by closetbidisaster



Series: Malibu Nights [4]
Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Band Fic, F/F, Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-14
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-03-18 19:28:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28748475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/closetbidisaster/pseuds/closetbidisaster
Summary: Is it too much to ask for something great?You're all I wantSo much it's hurtingOrSometimes you gotta fly across the country to figure your shit out
Relationships: Lindsey Horan/Emily Sonnett, Rose Lavelle/Mallory Pugh
Series: Malibu Nights [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1816003
Kudos: 21





	You're All I Want (So Much It's Hurting)

**Author's Note:**

> Bonjour!
> 
> It's been like 3 months but I'm alive.
> 
> Enjoy!

11:30 pm.

Rose could see the glaring red numbers through the screen. It was late on the west coast, meaning it was even later on the east coast. She was choosing to ignore her own clock currently ticking away the hours until it would wake her up at 8:30. She was choosing to ignore that 11:30 pm on the Pacific coast translated to 2:30 am here. She was, however, getting tired and fighting the losing battle against sleep.

“Rose?”

Rose is pulled from her thoughts, and near slumber, by the younger girl’s voice coming from the phone.

“Hm? Sorry, I lost focus.”

Mal’s smile wakes her up again, even more than Emily’s morning coffee.

“I was just saying that I,” Mal pauses and clears her throat, “I wish you were here.”

Rose tries to blink the sleep out of her eyes as her brain attempts to think of an appropriate response. She has none.

“Do you want to go to sleep? I know it’s late there,” the younger of the two sounds a little worried as her smile starts to dim.

“I’m okay,” Rose reassures her, but the yawn that accentuates the end of the sentence gives her away.

“It’s alright, Rosie,” Mal smiles knowingly, “go sleep. We can talk tomorrow.”

“I’ll text you when I’m making breakfast.”

“Promise?”

Rose fights the urge to reach out in an attempt to touch Mal, reminding herself the younger girl is more than two thousand miles away. Instead, she offers a small smile and a nod, stifling another yawn.

“Promise.”

Mal waves and smiles before hanging up. Her screen goes dark and the room feels empty - emptier than it had. She ignores the longing feeling in the pit of her stomach, placing her phone on the nightstand before rolling over and staring at the ceiling. Another night of FaceTiming Mal, losing sleep, and not bringing up the kiss from Denver.

It’s not that she didn’t want to bring it up. She just didn’t really know how to. It wasn’t like Mal brought it up either. Maybe it hadn’t meant as much to the younger girl as it had to Rose. She tries not to think about that; it gives her a weird feeling and she does not enjoy said feeling in the slightest.

The last thought she has before drifting off to sleep is how the smile on Mal’s face when Rose promised they would talk in the morning made losing out on sleep entirely worth it.

* * *

By the time Rose stumbles into the kitchen, Emily has finished cleaning up from cooking breakfast and there is a fresh mug of coffee sitting on the counter. She grumbles her way through a half-asleep “thank you” and shuffles to the table, taking a seat with a small groan.

“Sleep well?”

Rose glares at her roommate and gives a non-committal grunt before taking a sip of her coffee. Emily takes a seat across from her, leaning back in her chair and putting her feet up on the table. Rose swats at her feet, but she is still too far from being awake enough to be effective. Taking a sip of her own coffee, Emily repeats herself.

“Sleep well?”

When Rose still offers no real response, Emily stretches overdramatically and lets out a content sigh.

“I slept wonderfully. Linds and I FaceTimed last night and I slept like a baby after-”

“Okay, no,” Rose finally speaks. “I may be half-asleep but I do _not_ want to hear about your sex life.”

“What?” Emily’s not laughing yet, but her eyes are bright and the smile plastered on her face signifies just how amused she is with herself. “I was just saying that I slept like a baby after we got off the phone.”

Rose grunts again.

“Why did you sleep so poorly?”

No verbal response, but Emily can see the gears in Rose’s head are turning. Something tells her it’s more than her just trying to get her brain to wake up.

“Do you think it would be a bad idea if I went to Malibu with you?”

Emily is a little thrown by the change of subject. Her eyebrows raise slightly in surprise and she finally takes her feet off the table, sitting properly in her chair. Leaning forward, she studies her best friend before responding.

“I think that depends on why exactly you’re wanting to go.”

Rose has taken a sudden interest in the wall behind Emily, staring just over her shoulder when she answers.

“I gotta talk to her.”

Emily doesn’t even have to ask who “her” is, so she doesn’t. Instead, she takes another sip of her coffee and offers her friend a smile.

“Then I think you should come with me.”

* * *

“Play it again.”

Lindsey looks at Tobin before studying the smaller girl currently hunched over the soundboard. She can see the tension in her shoulders and feel the frustration rolling off of her.

“Mal-”

“Again.”

Sighing, Lindsey hits the playback button, letting the music fill the room.

_All I wanna be, yeah all I ever wanna be, yeah, yeah_

_Is somebody to you_

_All I wanna be, yeah all I ever wanna be, yeah, yeah_

_Is somebody to you_

_Everybody’s trying to be a billionaire_

_But every time I look at you I just don’t care_

_Cause all I wanna be, yeah all I ever wanna be, yeah_

_Is somebody to you_

The song ends abruptly when Mal reaches over and stops it.

“It’s missing something.”

“Something or someone?”

To Mal’s credit, she barely flinches at Lindsey’s insinuation, still bent over the soundboard and facing away from her friends. Lindsey flinches; Tobin smacked her upside the head.

“Do you think you guys would be interested in recording some backing vocals?”

Lindsey decides to put a pin in Mal not-so-subtly changing the subject for the time being. She and Tobin share a look, nodding to each other.

“I don’t see why not.”

Mal finally turns around, a look of relief on her face. The tension is still present in her shoulders, but Lindsey gets the feeling it will dissipate once they get their vocals on the track and Mal can finalize her album.

Lindsey shoots a quick text to the band’s group-chat, asking the other two to be available for the studio tomorrow before pocketing her phone again as Mal takes a seat on the couch, slouching back. The older girls can see how tired the younger one looks - content, but tired.

“When does Sonny come?”

A smile instantly crosses Lindsey’s face.

“Two days,” the smile slides into a smirk. “Do you want her to bring Rose when she comes?”

Mal half-heartedly flips her off, but she gives no discernable answer as to whether or not she wants to see Rose. But, Lindsey knows. She misses Rose and wants her to visit, but she has no clue how to ask.

She’s two seconds away from full-on calling Mal out when her phone starts to ring.

“Em? Hey, what’s up?”

“Do you agree it’d be a good idea for Rose to come with me to visit you?”

Lindsey glances at Mal (who has fallen asleep on the couch) before sighing and answering.

“Please, yes. She misses Rose and she’s exhausted, but she won’t admit it.”

Lindsey hears Emily yell something indistinct (she’s guessing at Rose) before she talks again.

“Thanks for proving my point, babe. See you in a couple of days.”

“Any time. I love you.”

“I love you, too. You bring me home, Linds.”

A smile crosses Lindsey’s face as the feeling she has felt since she was sixteen blooms in her chest, just as strong as the first time. She also ignores the kissy-face Tobin is making at her.

“Wherever I go, Em.”

* * *

_Cause all I wanna be, yeah all I ever wanna be, yeah, yeah_

_Is somebody to you (Yeah, you!)_

_Yeah, you!_

Mal has never felt so relieved to have finished a song. Not when she spent two weeks crying and barely sleeping while trying to finish a song for her music composition class. Not when she wrote ‘How To Fall’.

She had finally found what was missing from the song.

“What do you think?”

Mal smiles at her friends.

“It’s perfect. Thank you guys, seriously.”

Tobin reaches out and ruffles the smaller girl’s hair.

“Glad we could help, kid.”

Kelley, Ashlyn, and Tobin leave the studio, laughing and talking over each other as they go. Lindsey, however, lingers when Mal takes a seat at the soundboard and an audio track begins to play. It’s not one Lindsey’s heard, but she likes the sound of it.

“Hey,” she leans against the door, “you coming?”

Mal doesn’t turn around, but she does lower the volume before she responds.

“I kissed her, you know?”

Lindsey did not know. She opts to stay quiet, not wanting to scare Mal and cause her to clam up when she is _finally_ opening up a bit about what had happened when Rose had visited Denver. She had been so tight-lipped, unwilling to give away anything outside of the lyrics she had written. Until now.

“I kissed her and the next morning, she boarded a flight home and we never talked about it.”

Lindsey isn’t quite sure how to respond. Luckily, Mal is speaking again, so she doesn’t have to say anything yet.

“Do you think I’m asking for too much?”

Mal has finally turned to face Lindsey, who is still leaning against the door.

“Too much?”

Mal doesn’t elaborate and Lindsey moves back towards her, leaning carefully against the table that held the soundboard and facing her friend.

“If Rose likes you half as much as I think she does, she’ll do whatever she can to make this work.”

“Is it,” Mal hesitates slightly, “is it bad I want to _hear_ her say it?”

“No. But words aren’t everything. She likes you, Mal. You’ve both got things to say, just gotta say it.”

Mal nods, expression still far off.

“Come on,” Lindsey reaches out and squeezes her shoulder, “we’re getting dinner then back here to work on _our_ album. Can’t have you outselling us.”

That gets a laugh out of the younger girl and they both stand, walking out of the studio.

“Be a shame if I won more Grammys than you.”

“You’re getting cocky, Pugh.”

* * *

**_Mal Pugh and New Boyfriend, Dansby Swanson, Spotted Leaving the Studio with Lindsey Horan_ **

Emily sees the article first.

And promptly, slightly, panics.

She knows Mal isn’t dating this Dansby guy. She is far too into Rose for that to even be a thought, but Rose doesn’t know that. And Rose doesn’t know that Mal’s been bouncing around, writing for a whole host of artists, including this guy.

Rose is still turning her phone back on and Emily is trying to figure out how to keep her from seeing the article. Looking around the baggage claim, she thanks any deity that she can think of when she spies their familiar-looking luggage on the conveyor belt. Tapping her friend, she points to their bags and they move swiftly to grab them before heading out of the airport. While Rose busies herself looking for their ride (Emily thinks maybe she should be doing it, seeing as Rose has never met Christen), Emily sends Lindsey a fourth - or maybe fifth - “Call me NOW” message.

“Emily! Rose!”

Emily’s head snaps up and she spies the older woman waving at them and waves in return.

“C’mon, Rosie-”

“Don’t call me Rosie.”

“-Our ride is here.”

They quickly load their luggage into the back of Christen’s car before getting in themselves. Rose automatically goes to sit in the back and, after a few seconds of deliberation, Emily gets in back with her. She did not miss her friend’s sudden change in mood and doesn’t want to spend the entire ride to the house turning to look at her or trying to catch her reflection in the side mirror/window.

She hadn’t spoken much on the flight, but Emily had been able to see the underlying excitement. Emily wonders if she saw the article. She hopes not, but she thinks her hope is futile. She knows it wasn’t the nickname; Rose hated being called “Rosie” by her (and, really, anyone that wasn’t Mal), but it never irritated her to the point where it would cause a complete shift in her mood.

“How long are you girls in town?”

Rose is staring out the window, her mind clearly a million miles away, so Emily takes the liberty of answering.

“The week. We’re staying with Linds and them, as you know. I’m sure you’ll be seeing a lot of us.”

Christen laughs at the joke, both of them knowing that will likely not be the case. Any free time Lindsey had would be spent with Emily and any time Lindsey was needed for the band (or Mal), Emily and Rose would take time to explore and train. Tobin and Christen were in a similar situation; whenever Tobin was free from band commitments, she would be with Christen. Assuming Christen wasn’t pulling ungodly long shifts at the label.

“Is there anywhere, in particular, you guys are wanting to visit?”

Emily glances at her still-silent friend, sensing she still has no desire to talk and answers once again.

“Any good coffee shops within walking, or running, distance of where the girls live.”

* * *

“I’m sorry, you play the drums?”

Mal looks away from Ashlyn toward Kelley, eyebrows raised slightly at her interruption.

“Uh, yeah?”

“Since when?”

Mal looks around at the other three, still twirling a drumstick in her right hand.

“Since I was twelve.”

“Is there anything you can’t play?” Tobin laughs.

“Soccer,” Lindsey quips before Mal can respond, prompting the youngest girl to glare at her playfully.

“As I was saying,” she emphasizes to try and get them back on track, “if you guys want, we can run through ‘Nothing But You’ and Ash can do the vocals and I can play the drums on the run-through. Then we can go from there on the production and stuff; call Megan and Sue and get you guys in the booth.”

Tobin, Ashlyn, and Kelley all nod to each other, but Lindsey is busy staring at her phone. Mal grabs an empty water bottle and tosses it in her direction to grab her attention.

“Linds?”

Lindsey looks up and gives her phone a little shake.

“Turn your phone on.”

She is staring directly at Mal when she says it and that makes the younger girl uneasy, but she does what is requested of her.

The first notification to come through is a text from Emily. Followed by three more and five Twitter links that she is tagged in from news sources. When she sees the headline, the noise she lets out is one that startles the others in the room.

“I-I am not dating Dansby. We-we're just-we're friends,” she sputters out, turning her phone for the others to see. “I’m not dating _anyone.”_

“Relax, kid,” Tobin leans against the wall, “the media doesn’t know shit.”

Mal bites her tongue. She also tries to ignore the pit in her stomach at the realization that Rose hasn’t texted her today, and has probably seen this absurd article. The feeling only increases when the older girl doesn’t answer her call. She knows Rose has her phone on; she had seen her Twitter activity.

Rose was ignoring her and that knowledge was worse than any tabloid the media could produce.

* * *

Subconsciously, Mal knew Rose was staying with Emily. Therefore, at some level, she knew Rose was staying at the band’s house. However, her subconscious chose to ignore that fact when she showed up for breakfast the following morning.

Lindsey opened the door and studied the teenager standing on their front porch with an amused smile.

“You look like a college kid that just rolled out of bed and showed up late to class.”

Mal looks at her appearance - sweats, a coffee, and her guitar case - and shrugs.

“I _was_ a college kid until last year, but I was never late.”

Lindsey opens the door wider and Mal walks in, immediately making a beeline for the kitchen. Spying Emily standing at the stove, Mal sets her coffee down and slings an arm across her shoulders.

“What are ya cooking me?”

“I’m not cooking you anything. I’m cooking for the people that live here,” Emily teases.

“So, you’re not eating either then.”

“Already did,” Emily responds with a shrug.

Mal recoils immediately and makes a face, stepping back towards her coffee.

“Gross.”

“What? I made protein shakes after our run this morning. Get your mind out of the gutter, child.”

Shaking her head, Mal grabs her coffee off the counter and heads toward the living room. She knows Tobin, Kelley, and Ashlyn are out surfing, meaning Lindsey is the only one left in the house. Other than Emily.

“Rosie,” Emily’s voice sounds through the house, “breakfast!”

And Rose.

Mal hears footsteps and, not knowing how to deal with the current situation between them, slips out the side door and into the garden. She left her coffee and guitar inside, but that doesn’t matter right now. What matters is Rose was ignoring her yesterday and Mal showed up at the house this morning completely forgetting that Rose was staying there.

And Mal has absolutely no idea what to do.

She hears the door open and tenses, only loosening when she hears Lindsey’s voice.

“Hey, what are you doing out here?”

Mal offers an uneasy smile and gestures haphazardly around the garden.

“Just admiring the flowers.”

Lindsey looks slightly confused but smiles and nods nonetheless. Mal properly looks at the flowers and feels the world shift under her feet. She looks up at her friend and walks back inside the house, past Lindsey, and into the living room again, tension returning as she begins to feel on edge.

It just had to be roses.

* * *

Sliding into the booth across from her best friend, Rose glances around the café.

“Christen has good taste in coffee shops.”

Emily nods in agreement, drumming her fingers on the tabletop as they wait for their names to be called. Rose can tell she wants to ask - is dying to ask - but she won’t. Whether it’s out of love or because she fears getting hit, Emily won’t ask unprompted. Rose appreciates that.

Giving another quick look, Rose confirms the shop is virtually empty. It’s a hole-in-the-wall shop and it’s three o’clock in the afternoon. There are a few college-age kids working on laptops and a couple of adults, but Rose and Emily have more than enough privacy in their booth.

“We kissed.”

Emily’s eyes widen and her fingers stop dancing. Rose would laugh at her best friend’s face if she wasn’t so tense. Emily doesn’t get a chance to speak before Rose’s name is called and she quickly stands to grab her drink. She takes her time getting back to the booth, perfectly timing it so when she takes her seat again, Emily’s name is called and the blonde is standing to get her own drink.

When she returns, she takes a seat, leaving her drink untouched as she leaned back and studied her friend. Apparently, Rose found her non-existent latté art to be fascinating today. Emily practically has to sit on her hands to keep from reaching out and snapping to get Rose’s attention. Emily is not known for being patient; Lindsey always teases her for being “as fidgety as a toddler” when she is waiting for something.

“We kissed,” Rose repeats herself and Emily holds her breath. “I flew home the next day and we haven’t talked about it since.”

“Wait, when was this?”

“After the end of last season. When I went to visit Denver after they finished the tour. It was around the same time you went to Malibu.”

Emily is very glad she is sitting on her hands because otherwise she would have reached out and strangled her best friend.

“That was November,” Emily says slowly.

Rose nods.

“It’s April.”

Rose nods again.

“That was five months ago.”

“Okay, you’re just stating facts right now.”

Emily shakes her head in disbelief.

“You kissed her five months ago and you never talked about it? At all?”

“I guess I waited too long. She’s dating that,” Rose waves a hand and Emily can see she is struggling to keep her voice normal, “that guy now.”

Rose slumps against the back of her seat and Emily frowns as she looks at her friend who is mindlessly poking at her coffee mug.

“You know the media is wrong a lot,” she offers.

The corner of Rose’s mouth twitches, but Emily thinks it resembles a disbelieving look rather than the ghost of a smile. She still won’t look at the blonde.

“I’m done with my coffee. I’d like to go back to the house. Have a good lunch date with Lindsey.”

Rose stands and leaves before Emily can even react. She frowns at her friend’s untouched coffee, watching her retreating figure exit the shop with a sigh.

This was getting painful.

* * *

Rose expects the house to be empty when she gets back. Lindsey and Emily are on a date, Tobin took Christen lunch at work, and Ashlyn and Kelley are out skating with some other friends. It doesn’t occur to her that, while Mal doesn’t actually live with them, she sure spends a lot of time at the house.

And today is no exception.

Rose isn’t sure what she expects when she sees the younger girl’s car parked by the curb, but she certainly was not expecting what she heard as she walked inside. The sound carried throughout the house, the guitar sounding beautiful to her. The words striking her, harder than she could have anticipated.

_I want you here with me_

_Like how I pictured it_

_So I don’t have to keep imagining_

_Come on, jump out at me_

_Come on, bring everything_

_Is it too much to ask for something great?_

_I want you here with me_

_Like how I pictured it_

_Is it too much to ask for something great?_

_You’re all I want_

_So much it’s hurting_

_You’re all I want_

_So much it’s hurting_

She didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but the tune was beautiful and the lyrics sounded as if they were meant for her specifically. Mal’s back is to her as she strums a bit more, repeating the final words a few times over as Rose comes to a stop a few feet back from the couch. She isn’t quite sure what to say, but she figures that she should speak before Mal notices her presence and finds her standing there, watching her, like a stalker.

“That’s a nice song.”

Mal startles, turning quickly to see Rose. Her eyes widen slightly as a look of genuine surprise colors her face. The younger girl goes to speak, but nothing comes out. Rose takes a step forward.

“What’s it about?”

And Rose knows. Or, at least, she thinks she knows. Emily was right; the media loved to make things up. Mal wouldn’t lead her on while dating this guy; she just wouldn’t. So, Rose knows. She just needs to hear Mal actually say it.

She half expects Mal to be embarrassed about being caught working on a song. Rose knows how protective and shy she can be about her work, despite the constant praises from the band. But Mal props her guitar against the couch and looks her in the eye when she finally responds after a couple of moments.

“You.”

It’s soft but confident.

“Me?”

She knows but hearing it...Rose couldn’t have prepared for the pounding of her heart in her ears, or the hope she felt blossoming in her chest once again. The same hope she had felt when she had kissed Mal for the first time. The one she had felt wither when she saw the article.

Mal nods, speaking louder this time.

“You. They’re always about you, Rosie,” she stands herself and makes her way towards Rose. “Every song I write is about you.”

Mal stops just more than an arm’s length away from Rose. If she reached out, Rose would be able to feel the space between them; so small, and yet ever-present.

She hated that.

She braves a step forward, putting herself in range for Mal to reach out and touch her, but still giving her the opportunity to walk away if she so desired. Rose fights the urge, once again, to reach out herself, not wanting to startle Mal anymore than she already has.

“Did you mean it?” She stuffs her hands in her pockets to avoid them developing minds of their own.

Mal nods, but Rose needs more than that.

“Did you mean it?” She repeats herself.

Mal nods again, taking a step forward herself. Her hand twitches, itching to reach forward and Rose eases a hand out of her own pocket in a silent invitation. It’s slow and hesitant at first, so Rose meets her halfway.

“You’re the one I want, Rose. You’ve been the one I want since we met.”

Rose doesn’t really have a response to that, so instead, she steps into Mal’s space, hesitating briefly in silent question until Mal answers by leaning forward and kissing her. And Rose knows.

Mal is all she wants.

**Author's Note:**

> Good to be back my dudes.
> 
> Ciao.


End file.
